Well, I crawled out of bed, 'bout a quarter to 4:00,
Grabbed my turkey gun and stumbled out the door.
I never get up before the crack 'o dawn!
An' I'll be stttin' at the roost before them first turkeys gone!
Ha-haaaa! Yes I will!
If ya wanna get a turkey, need a lot more than luck.
Ya can't just sit there like a…dumb cluck!
It ain't like huntin' bucks, or waitin' for a goose,
Ya gotta sound sexy and learn to seduce!
(Turkeys kinda do it like this…)
(Oboy! What a fox! WOW!!)
So I grabbed my bag o' tricks and scratched my head!
Time to get them turkeys movin'; wake 'em up from the dead!
I reached for Old Faithful, my favorite call,
Gonna round me up a heard o' them Butterballs!
(Same to you, fatboy!)
I can taste 'em now!
Now ya gotta hold still as still can be.
There could be eyeballs in the bushes lookin' at me! (Peekaboo!)
Itch my nose, my butt began to hurt;
Had mosquitoes landin' on the back of my shirt!
(buzzing to the tune of Turkey In The Straw)
(slap!) Oh!
(Oboy! It's me, again!)
Now I made a little cackle, just as quiet as a mouse,
And that's when that no-good, corn-brained, fowl-feathered, pecker-shoveler of a manure spreader…scared the crap right outta me!
You know what a turkey is, don'tcha? (No, what?)
It's a B-52 grouse!
Smells like someone pulled the ol' honeywagon right through my shorts! Mmm!
(P.U.!)
He flipped me the bird, as he made his retreat,
I had one thing on my mind: lunch meat!
And off in the distance, pretty early morning calm,
Came the sound of pounding drumsticks on tom-toms!
Hear 'em?
I seen em all comin', set my heart in feel relation,
I was sittin' in the middle of the whole turkey nation!
Got my ammo, my Camel and my Tommy gun, (What an idiot!)
Down set and ready for the key-key rhyme!
Here, key-key! Gosh-derned barn cats!
Well, they came from the bushes, they came from the trees!
And the leader of the pack looked like Turkules!
Scratchin' in the hay and doin' his strut,
He was big as a tractor, goin' putt-putt-putt!
I gotcha now, ol' Blackbeard!
I had a gravy shot at his cranberry head,
Gonna mash that turkey and stuff him with lead!
He's already cookin' for the Thanksgivin' feast!
With a crazy ol' pecker-racker to blast that beast!
Goshderned Taiwan shotgun! Durned ammo!!
The hills were full of rednecks comin' like a streak!
Every Tom, Jake and Hen was foamin' at the beak!
They were flappin'! And crappin'! And clawin' at my back!!
Oh, my God! A Tom Turkey Attack!!!
(Come here, Fatboy!)
I was runnin' and yellin' at the top of my voice!
Felt like a Hatfield fightin' off The McCoys!
It was just my luck, out of the fog,
Came that no-mean-good, ornery neighbor's FARM DOG!!!
(barking to the tune of Turkey In The Straw)
With the turkeys on my tail and the hound comin' fast,
Stuck my muzzle in the mud and landed on my…ahh! (Whoops!)
Jump over a teakettle, I thought I was doomed!
And all of a sudden… (Uh-oh!)
(shotgun)
(Taps sung)
C'mere, you little gobbler! (Uh-oh!)
I'm gonna wring your neck!!
Ahh, get my hands on your gizzard!
(Can you believe this guy?! What he won't do for a turkey sandwich!)
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